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One Couple’s Recipe for Success: Building intimacy through the art of sharing

Joan and Ben have been married for fifty-two years. I asked them to explain the longevity of their relationship. “Laughter,” Joan said. “We love to make each other laugh, and we find so much to laugh about together.” Nodding in agreement, Ben added, “Even in the middle of our worst fights, it’s hard to stay mad at someone who can always make me laugh.” They went on to describe the importance of mutual respect and friendship as cornerstones of their healthy relationship. Ben said, “Respect is as important as love sometimes. And you have to like each other as much as love each other. If you don’t like to be around the person you’re with, what’s the point?”

Both stressed the beauty and opportunity in everyday life. “You don’t have to spend lots of money or try to find something exotic to do in order to have a deep connection,” Joan said. As an example, she described their morning routine. “I make our coffee as he reads the paper. He shares every story he reads with me and asks my opinion about it. Sometimes we’ll have different opinions and we get into debates. Or he’ll just nod his head and say ‘interesting’ and continue to read. I can tell he’s thinking about what I said.”

This might seem like a small event, but it speaks volumes about something very important to their relationship (and relationships in general). Ben took what is typically a solitary activity (reading the newspaper) and made it relational. When Ben includes Joan in his daily activity, he makes her feel connected to him and appreciated by him. Further, he learns from her and enjoys her as she shares her own viewpoints.

How many people do you know who read the newspaper, or get information online, and never (or rarely) share what they learn with their spouse? Do all of your individual activities remain solitary, or do you share your experiences with your partner?

Of course there will be activities that you and your partner do separately. But how many of these are things that—by necessity—have to be done separately and how many are missed opportunities to connect with your partner? By following Ben’s lead, you can create bridges between your individual interests and your partner.

Building Bridges Action Step:

Think of all the things you’re involved in that don’t include your partner (hobbies, work, daily routines). Even if you prefer to do these activities alone (or with someone other than your partner), can you think of ways to share parts of these experiences with your husband, wife or partner? For instance, when I finish an article, I could immediately submit it and move on to the next article. From a time standpoint, that would be the easiest and most efficient thing to do. What I do instead is ask my wife to read it and share her impressions of what I’ve written. And the result? We’ve had conversations that we wouldn’t have had otherwise, discussions where we felt connected and where we talked about relationships in general and our relationship in particular.

Here’s an exercise that can serve as the first step in building a bridge between you and your partner: Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper. Label one side, Activities I enjoy with my partner. Label the other, Activities I enjoy that don’t include my partner. You can ask your partner to do the same. Remember, it is normal and even healthy for you each to have separate interests and hobbies. It’s a question of balance—there should be enough shared activities to nurture the friendship part of your relationship. After completing your lists, reflect on the following:

Do you both feel that there are enough shared activities in your relationship?

Would you like to become more involved with any of your partner’s activities?

Would you be willing to share certain solitary activities with your partner?

An increase in shared activities might include direct involvement (such as joining her bowling league), or indirect involvement (such as being a spectator on bowling night and discussing the details afterwards).

Keep in mind that your partner may not want to include you in certain activities/interests. While this can sting at first, try not to take this personally. (I know, easier said than done.) But the fact is, certain individual pursuits and interests can foster a sense of independence and build self-esteem, and it may feel like a loss if these are shared with others. And after all, you probably have activities on your list that you’d prefer to keep separate as well.

Article Source: http://coachingarticles.net

Find out how to create the relationship of your dreams: Sign up for the free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter at StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and immediately receive two FREE reports that will help you achieve your relationship potential. Rich Nicastro, Ph.D. is a relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship.

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